Delayed Fuse

Whoops – missed yesterday’s post. I was too full of pizza so communications to my brain weren’t running at any more than 20%. I know, you missed me already, and I thank you for the thought 🙂

Ended up not doing too much, and did get a nap, which I thought was slightly helpful.

Thought I slept decent last night, but woke up in a funk, but that’s lasted all day to this point. It’s a bad funk, too. Feels like one of the lowest lows I’ve had in I don’t know how long. Generally making me feel like garbage, but the bigger problem is that I’m starting to believe it. All I’m seeing and thinking about is how much I’ve screwed up.

I’ve never really had much self-awareness, so that’s only a recent development in my personal life. I feel like I’ve just been coasting along with whatever’s going on without stopping to think about long-term results. The list of “couldas/shouldas” is too long and today’s got me wishing that life had a rewind button. There’s so many things that I’d do differently, it’s got me in a tailspin.

I know they say that your past makes you who you are. My problem is that I think my past has created a really fuzzy future for me. Nothing illegal or anything, just less-than-wise decisions.

There are some people that know their career path from an early age, and do whatever they need to do in order to pursue that. I never figured it out. I liked the idea of money, but never had the wherewithal to figure out how to get the most of it. I feel like the first half of my life has been on autopilot and I’m just now starting to wake up. Except I don’t want to wake up to this. Not saying my family hasn’t become my greatest accomplishment, I just wish there was more I could’ve done to set us up for longer-term success.

I know, I know, I should be incredibly grateful that I’ve gotten this far. All I can wish is that I knew then what I know now. I hang out with friends and my first reaction is comparing my life to theirs. And theirs looks all figured out, all the time.

I feel like I’m going through motions, and have to keep it to myself. I don’t feel like I should be unloading this on anyone. Again, the irony of this being in an online blog is not lost on me.

Maybe most of you reading this checked out after the first two lines. Maybe you’ve read this far and will stay tuned. I don’t know, but I hope you’ll stick around.

I hope the tears will stop and I’ll get through whatever this is. I know this isn’t written very well, and I apologize for the messiness. I’m doing the best I can despite the struggles, and will remain somewhat confident that I’ll have better stuff for you. Going to try for daily posts to clear some of this out of my mentals.

Until then, fair readers, keep watching for updates.

Delayed Fuse