Delayed Fuse

Felt really good after making that first post yesterday. I feel like this could go a long way towards helping my mental health. Whether I gain any subscribers remains to be seen, but getting things out of my head is more the important part.

Fell asleep about midnight last night after what ended up being a messy mental day. Woke up this morning and am not feeling all that much better. Got what feels like a ton of weight on my shoulders, and it’s got me feeling like a failure. I just don’t feel like enough today. I’m finding it progressively more difficult to avoid comparing my life to everyone else’s. I know, it’s all relative and my heavy won’t feel that way to others. But still, this feels heavier than normal. I’ve felt this low before and it never ceases to suck.

Everything in my life, through my eyes, equates to money somehow. I’m constantly thinking about the price attached to things, and it drives me batty. Especially because I look at everything, then immediately look at our financial situation and it tanks my mentals. No matter how much we bring home, I constantly feel like it’s not enough. Yes, bills are getting paid and necessities are taken care of. Family is happy and healthy, which is why I can’t wrap my head around why I feel this way. I know my job is being done to some degree of acceptable because everyone here is still alive and kicking.

I’ll sit alone at night, after everyone has gone to bed, and let my thoughts catch up to me. Many times it ends up with me in tears because I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, like any member of my family is somehow struggling. May seem silly to most of you, and it may seem overly dramatic. Middle class family, earning decent wages, and somehow I don’t see it as enough. Spoiled? Hardly. Stingy? Nope. Greedy? Possible, but only because I feel like my family deserves the world.

The down feeling typically fades after a couple of days and life seems to return to normal, but I’d be lying if I said that feeling didn’t have any lasting effects. I know it’ll come back, only a question of when. In the interim, I try to keep everyone at peace and as happy as I can so they don’t worry.

Here’s where my biggest struggle comes in. I’ve never been one to talk much about my feelings past a certain point, and the irony of me making an online blog with this info is lost on me by any stretch. I find it easier to write stuff out because it gives me time to think and process what I’m trying to convey. So now you’re on the first peak and valley of our wonderful amusement park ride, congrats!

Let’s see how long it takes for the feeling to fade today. I’ll be with some friends later, so hopefully that’ll help.

To anyone who stumbles across my reading, I hope you have a great day. I’ll try my best as well. I’ll try to update you folks daily, at least for a while, as I’ve got quite a bit of stuff to get through.

Delayed Fuse